honey bunches of taint.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize