Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
where are you?
Hypothermia
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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