My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
