There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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