I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
