he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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