he puts the penis in happiness.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
