dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
