My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
