peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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