tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
