Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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