this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
