sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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