he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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