I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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