Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
