A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
