I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
