Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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