"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
