YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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