how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize