Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
