omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
