He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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