Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
