You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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