I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
