Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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