he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
