Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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