You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
