We won't sleep together?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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