We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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