If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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