Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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