i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
