god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
