then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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