I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
