He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize