I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
