I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
