she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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