I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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