i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize