i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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