I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
