just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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