I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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