I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
