please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
