Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
