i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
