Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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