he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
