She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
