I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
