I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
