So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
