I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
How drunk are you?
Completed.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
