Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
