Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize