I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
