I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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