I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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